Monday, October 5, 2015

Horror-ible, Part I: Dracula in Hell #2

Scoring an 11 on a 10 scale “What-the-$%#&-o-meter”

I’ve picked this book up many, many times only to return it partially read to its place in the stacks. I always get to about the fourth page and then I’m spent. It’s done what few other books can lay claim to: It’s defeated even me.

For the sake of this review, I’ve forced myself to finish it. It took a superior act of will, an entire case of Pepto-Bismol, the head restraint from A Clockwork Orange and the destruction of at least a year of my sexual libido. This book is harsh, ladies and gentlemen. Don’t let that tame cover fool you into thinking otherwise. I can say without hesitation that it’s just shy of Necronomicon strength. So if you’re reading this now and you are even the slightest bit squeamish, flip over to The Longbox Graveyard and save your soul. Save yourself, I implore you. And yes, that cover says “Adults Only” and boy does it mean it.

Apple Comics has little claim to fame outside of several true-war comic book series and printing a few issues of Elfquest when running WaRP Graphics became too much of a burden for the Pini’s. So we can’t really blame them for trying to capitalize on a public domain horror icon to bring in some sales numbers. It’s odd that they put so much stake in only one icon, however. I’ll try to swerve away from the comparison of putting all your apples in one basket, but how else could we describe the depth and breadth of Dracula products they produced at this time. Their title list included The Bat, Blood of Dracula, Big Bad Blood of Dracula, Blood of the Innocent (Dracula vs. Jack the Ripper), the aforementioned Dracula in Hell and Death Dreams of Dracula. The strangest title out of all this had to be the collected issues of Blood of Dracula numbers 14-19, reprinted as…well, see for yourself:

We all knew terrorism sucked, but this book apparently takes it way beyond the logical extremes.

Back to our book at hand. We can blame writer Richard Adamson and artist Neil Vokes for completely taking this property into regions of Hell best left uncharted. What do I mean by that? *sigh* I’m going to show you.

A giant penis is walking through Hell when suddenly…

“I’m a giant penis,

tall and strong.

I use my great big nads

to roll along.”

You thought I was joking about this one, didn’t you? Bet you feel pretty foolish now. Sorry if those images make you double-take. It’s a very common reaction, I assure you.

The giant penis just happens to be Dracula, the iconic vampire, who has been sentenced to Hell for his crimes. Apparently Satan has decided to punish Drac by trapping him in the form of walking, talking male genitalia. Perfectly logical to me. I pretty much expect the same thing has happened to Hitler, Stalin and the guy that invented Barney the talking dinosaur.

Drac, however, is having a pretty bad time adjusting. And who wouldn’t. I mean, imagine having balls but no way to itch them. Yeah, that’s Hell for ya! Satan also keeps appearing to torment our famous vamp, which would be bad enough. But this book finds a way to make it even worse.

SATAN’S PENIS (yup, never thought I’d see those words in this column) grows the face of a dead Winnebago Indian squaw who proceeds to read Dracula the riot act. Damn. I’m having a hard time describing the comic at this point. Look at my first sentence again and tell me why that might be.

After drubbing our favorite vamp for a panel or so, the devil’s dick transports poor, giant Dracula-penis to a wooded fairy glen. A fantasy setting that comes complete with naked nymphs to tempt the vampire’s resolve. Looks like he ain’t holding out so well either.

I like that sound effect in the last panel as the naked women are rubbing themselves all over that giant roving shaft. “UNNNH!” Exactly! Very realistic sound effects. Whatever the author and artist were smoking, I sure hope it didn’t have any permanent side-effects. Oh, I shouldn’t pity them though. Not when they subject me to what’s yet to come. Ha, I said come. Get it! Eh? Never mind.

And what might be in store for us that’s odder than naked nymphs nuzzling some nads? Just take a look.

Yes, they’ve added some real teeth to this story. Positioned right were these lovelies would normally have a nice bit of snatch. It’s right about this point in reading the book where I keep passing out on the floor. Vagina Dentata are the reason I always use stainless steel condoms. The only disease I have to worry about is rust. I wonder what possessed the makers to believe the story needed any more bite? I mean it’s already got giant phallic vampires in Hell.


In our story (yes, there still is one somehow), Dracula breaks free of the nasty nibbling nymphets using the same maneuver I use at the urinal, the ole “triple shake.” Thank God he’s free. Get out of there guy. Hump for it Drac, hump for your life! Sadly he is surrounded again and doesn’t have a chance.

I thought this might be the end of books odd streak, since in the next panel Dracula realizes he can still shape-change into animals. First he becomes a wolf and then sprints off. No more man-sized dorks rolling though the woods. Next he dons the guise of a bat and flies away from the crowds of piranha pussies. I must have been jumping ship too early on my first few tries at the book, right?


Well, sort of. Our antagonist Devil guy reappears in the form of a…well a black cloud face with a serpent’s tongue. That’s not the bad part. The bad part is there’s a fat midget guy sitting on the tongue masturbating. Still, I’ll take this sort of stuff over what we’ve dealt with so far.

The tongue riding demon knocks Dracula out of the air by, of all things, spitting on him. Drac plummets to the ground where he reforms as a man once more. With that kind of shape change, the reader might be lulled into believing the rest of the story will be a bit more “normal.” Here’s Dracula all back to being a man again, restoring hope of some normality in the narrative as well.

I don’t know what that Devil is seeing, Dracula doesn’t look tiny to me. In fact he’s got a uncircumcised Ron Jeremy thing going on there. But rejoice reader, since it’s the same writer and artist for the rest of the book this crazy train hasn’t made it to its destination just yet.

Hey! I don’t like were that “bowels” comment is going. Come on guys, I don’t think I can take any more bizarre stuff.

OMG! Now it’s a giant wave of semen. *huddles in corner while holding self and rocking* I think the worst part about this panel is all the lines radiating from the top of the wave make it appear that the semen is actually ANGRY. There’s nothing like a tidal wave of mad sperm chasing you. Not that that’s actually happened to me or anything. But a guy hears “stories,” you know.
To escape the wave of volcano spooge, Dracula CONTROLS THE WEATHER. Not exactly a power I remember him having in his many incarnations over the years. Become a mist, sure. Actual weather control? Not so much. Even so, it works out to be the LEAST strange thing that’s going on in this book. And proving that the tour of wacky town isn’t over yet, the creative team recasts Dracula as a shackled tot.

Or not.

Or maybe? I’m not sure anymore. This “in Hell” stuff is confusing the heck out of me. I guess tempting occupants is what Hell is all about. What’s it is not about is baby self-mutilation.


Well ok, at least MY version of Hell doesn’t include baby self-mutilation. Drac gets the idea that his hands are still under his control even though they are not attached to his body. So the next logical thing for him to do is of course…

I’m just really flabbergasted at this whole book. And speechless. What can I add to this?

So the handless, headless corpse of baby Dracula scales the naked lactating Earthmother while carrying his still talking head in his bloody stumps. Then the babe’s body hurtles the head at her neck so he can feast on her blood. No comments, that description pretty much covers it. This book does all my work for me.

And lastly the devil reappears to tell Drac that while he’s passed these three tests, many more await him next issue. If we’re lucky, the creative team will be able to pay for their therapy bills before then. 

I’m not sure I will be able to pay for mine.

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